27 October 2010

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 4

Day 4 of 30 Days of truth asks,

Something you have to forgive someone for.

Right away i know where to go with this, because it is something that is on my mind alot.
My Father.

My parents were married young and divorced by the time i was 3. I get that, i believe in marriage forever but at the same time i understand what happened and i don't hold the divorce against my parents. My mom is now happily married to a great guy who i am happy to call my dad and who has been there for me whenever i need him for the past 10 years.

Even so i still have this need to know my father. The first time i remember talking to him was when i was 11 years old. He lived in Utah and we were in Michigan but we talked all the time, he mailed us presents and letters and even sent plane tickets for my sister and I to fly out there to visit him. It was the best week of my life, i remember him telling us how much he missed us and loved us and how he always carried around a picture of us with him. When we came home the letters and phone calls came less and less often and then one day they were gone. At 16 my parents, my sister and I drove to Utah where i was able to visit my grandparents (that was the last time i got to see my Grandmother before she passed away) I was there. He knew we were there and not once did he make an attempt to see us. I was heartbroken.
I didn't talk to him again until i was living with Chris, everything started of the same, we talked all the time, shared stories about what our life was like where he had been. Then again he disappeared out of my life.
When i was pregnant with Zeke i again contacted him because i thought he should know that he was going to be a grandparent. Again everything was great, he sent presents for Zeke and we talked all the time life was great then the usual happened.. It's been like this all my life and yet i still have this need to know him.. We have talked again since then and he has seen pictures of Zeke and i found out that i now have a half brother. Who i will probably never know. I don't know if he knows about Kiah or not and as much as i would like to say that i don't care i do. I still send him messages every now and then but i don't know if he even gets them.. I know I should just let go and forgive him for not caring about his daughter and i think i am trying but it's so hard... I couldn't imagine not knowing my boys, letting them grow up without me? It's an impossible thought for me... I have no understanding of what goes through his head.. my only hope is that someday he will wake up and realize that even through it all i am still his daughter and i still love him.







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